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The Rambled

The Rambler

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Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States
One girl, so many things to say. So I got myself an outlet.


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Zoe G.
One girl, so many things to say. So I got myself an outlet.
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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Weakness, A Personal Musing

If someone asked me what some of my worst qualities are in the top ten are that I'm terrible with money, I am materialistic, I am stubborn as a pig and ruthlessly competitive. The last two often get pushed together under the heading of "determined" during job interviews ;-)

I also have this unnatural love/weakness for shoes. I own somewhere around the range of 100 pairs. This is partially due to me being a bit of a pack rat, partially due to having three sisters who I can "borrow" shoes from and partially due to my badness with money and vanity. I love shoes. There is something about a great pair of heels that just make me feel amazing. I'm five seven and half but that doesn't stop be from purchasing shoes with 5 inch or even 5 1/2 inch heels. When I wear those heels (as I did today) I tower over many by standing at six one. One of these people is my dad (5"10 in stocking feet) and he hates those shoes because, well, three inches taller than him. A great pair of shoes gives me confidence. Not only do I stand taller but I stand straighter- literally and figuratively. When I'm towering over the world I feel I can conquer anything I wish. Except for uneven terrain.

I'm also a big fan of retail therapy. I've been going through a lot of shit lately and buying shoes makes me feel better. Until I get my bank statement that is.

I'm dating the son of a podiatrist and often hear about how I'm going to be a cripple by the time I'm forty but I don't care. Where I am in life now I need that confidence. I need that boost of self esteem. Because when I wear heels I feel like I am worth the attention I get. I am a person worth being looked at and by god I'll take what I deserve! Ballet flats don't give me that feeling. I know this because I own over 30 pairs. Sneakers make me feel frumpy. I know this because I own 8 pairs.

So, why this sudden openness? Well, this weekend I "discovered" eBay. Me and eBay are a bad combination as it feeds into all my worst characteristics. My frivolity with money means I forget how it all adds up. My vanity makes me feel like life would get better if I could just own those adorable purple Te'Casan pumps with the gold trim. And even though I set price limits for myself my competitive edge takes over once someone outbids me.

And yet I keep going back. I keep logging back on. Mostly it's just to keep an eye on my bids but then I decide to search for more stuff. I may have thought of a new shoemaker that I want to check out or realized I have a seriously deep yearning to own a pair of green pumps. Whatever. And then I find a great deal, even though a great deal is still more expensive than not taking a deal at all, and I gotta click, I gotta bid. And the cycle starts over again. Oh yeah, I'm overly impulsive as well.

Why do we do this? Why can't I stop? What latent masochistic tendencies keep me shopping even when I know that no pair of shoes is going to solve my problems.

Except for maybe that perfect pair of green pumps of course.

Am I weak? I've been wondering that a lot lately? I have finally decided that no, I'm not. I'm desperate. I'm angry. I'm depressed. Those emotions can lead to anyone doing stupid things, especially when mixed together in a big bowl of dysfunction along with sprinkle of self-loathing.

So, if buying shoes keeps me from cutting, keeps me from binging and purging, keeps me from taking too many pills in a desperate bid for attention and pity, then I'll keep shopping. Because no matter how much it costs, it is worth it if it keeps me from starting back down that spiral. And maybe that's what strength is- having the insight to chose the vice that harms you and those you love the least. 

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